There’s a particular kind of heartbreak that doesn’t come with closure. It comes when someone slowly disappears from your life: stopping texts, pulling back affection, speaking in vague tones, or changing the rules without saying a word. This is ghosting, and when it follows weeks or months of emotional labour, it leaves behind more than confusion. It leaves grief and a sense of betrayal.
But we don’t often recognise this grief, because there was no ‘real’ breakup. Nothing to mourn, officially. Only silence. Pauline Boss calls this kind of pain Ambiguous Loss, a concept that describes the ongoing, unresolved pain of someone being psychologically absent but physically present, or gone, without explanation.
Reading between texts, managing his emotions, holding the thread of connection… When you’ve done most of the emotional work in a relationship, it’s not just the loss that hurts. It’s the emotional labour you poured into it. That’s the real wound.
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The Unpaid Emotional Labour of Mankeeping (and Who’s Doing It)
In her VICE article on Mankeeping, journalist Chandler Levack writes that women are increasingly tired of doing all the unacknowledged work in relationships. From soothing discomfort to prompting conversations, setting up dates, and interpreting mixed signals, many are finding themselves burnt out.
Mankeeping is what happens when emotional labour becomes expected, or even demanded, without reciprocation. You may not even notice it at first. You just want things to flow. So you become the one who adapts, who understands, who waits. You keep the dynamic going, even as he pulls away.
He runs hot and cold, leaving you constantly trying to figure out if he’s interested. One week he’s full of compliments and confessions. The next, he ghosts or goes quiet, only to return days later with a casual “Hey”.
The Emotional Labour Gap: Why It’s Mostly a Gendered Problem
While emotional withdrawal can happen in any relationship, this dynamic disproportionately shows up in relationships with men. Whether in heterosexual or gay relationships, many men have not been taught the language of emotions, let alone how to access them.
They may feel things deeply, but struggle to name or express their feelings. Emotional availability requires self-awareness, vulnerability, and the capacity to hold space for another’s emotional world. A culture shaped by toxic masculinity and fragile masculinity, does not encourage these skills in men.
This gap creates an imbalance where emotional labour is expected of one partner, often a woman or a more emotionally attuned person, while the other disappears, deflects, or disengages. The result is chronic frustration, exhaustion, and confusion for the person trying to keep the connection alive. It can lead to a real sense of loneliness.
Ghosting, vague communication, and inconsistency are not just poor behaviour. They are symptoms of a broader problem: emotional avoidance dressed up as detachment. And they leave the other person doing all the work.
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Why Ghosting Feels Like Gaslighting
Ghosting doesn’t just leave you lonely. It can distort your sense of reality. Especially when a man has used words that don’t match his behaviour.
Maybe he told you, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone,” or “You’re exactly what I’ve been looking for,” only to vanish without warning. When actions and words don’t align, it creates confusion, self-doubt, and even shame.
This inconsistency is emotionally disorienting. It makes you question your instincts. And that’s what makes ghosting feel like a form of gaslighting. It causes you to second-guess your own emotional reality. But ghosting and mankeeping are both unhealthy relationship patterns.
Burnout, Anxiety, and Mental Health Symptoms
Trying to maintain connection with someone who’s emotionally inconsistent can lead to profound burnout. Many people I work with describe the slow slide into emotional exhaustion: overthinking, sleeplessness, distraction, physical tension, even panic attacks.
If you tend towards an anxious attachment style, these dynamics can be especially painful. You may hold out hope even when the other person is fading. You might blame yourself. Meanwhile, the person pulling away may have an avoidant or fearful-avoidant attachment style, keeping connection just out of reach.
You’re not broken for wanting clarity. And you’re not overreacting for feeling hurt.
What’s particularly painful is that many people begin to experience symptoms of anxiety or depression and see out their GP for medical help, thinking something is wrong inside them. But the real issue isn’t a disorder, it’s the sustained impact of being treated poorly, ignored, or emotionally invalidated.
Speaking with a GP isn’t a bad idea: it can be the first step toward accessing a Mental Health Treatment Plan. This makes you eligible for Medicare rebates on love counselling sessions, where you and your therapist can explore and unravel the deeper relational patterns. Therapy doesn’t just treat symptoms, it addresses the story behind the pain.
What You Can Do When They Disappear
When someone begins to pull away or disappear, here are some grounding steps you can take:
- Stop decoding silence. Their withdrawal is communication.
- Notice the emotional labour. Are you doing all of it?
- Ask: What am I actually receiving here? Not just what you hope to receive.
- Set clear boundaries. Uncertainty is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to step out of it.
- Speak with a love counsellor. Therapy can help you name the patterns, grieve what’s unclear, and rebuild your sense of self-worth.
You don’t have to keep explaining away red flags. You don’t have to keep hoping someone will change.
Healing from Emotional Labour Burnout Is Possible
If a man has left you confused, anxious, or emotionally drained by a non-relationship, ghosting or a slow fade, please know: you’re not alone. Your grief is real, even if others don’t understand it.
Being ghosted or suffering the burnout of emotional labour can lead to Scarcity Mindset. But don’t give up. Allow yourself time to heal. Give yourself permission to name what happened. Ghosting is not your fault and it is something you can recover from. With the right support, you can learn to trust yourself again.
I offer love counselling to help you untangle relationship patterns, grieve ambiguous loss, and reconnect with your self-respect and dignity. Sessions are available online or in-person in Surry Hills, Sydney. Medicare rebates are available if you have a GP referral under a Mental Health Treatment Plan (e.g. for anxiety, depression, or adjustment disorder).
Book a session today or contact me for more information.